JHU 2024Fall录取者优秀文书点评!揭秘名校申请文书的“有效公式”!附JHU文书范文合集免费领取!

JHU在网页的Essays That Worked板块公布了2024 Fall录取者的优秀文书，同时还附上了招生官最真实的点评，为大家构思文书提供了非常直接的参考。TD的文书老师也选择了其中两篇文书从内容，语言，情感表达力等方面进行了分析，希望能给大家在撰写文书的时候带来借鉴。

JHU完整的优秀文书链接：
https://apply.jhu.edu/college-planning-guide/essays-that-worked/

Finding Purpose in Trivial Projects

Occasionally, a wooden board that comes in as packaging makes me think, “That would make a great base for a diorama.”

“包装中的木板”，大部分不会看就扔掉的东西，同学却可以发现它的作用。

Then, there’s a concept that comes from a building, street, or room I’m frequenting, someplace that is brimming with interesting detail yet not overwhelming. The challenge of shrinking down detail in a scene excites me, and it’s also delightful to imagine what the scene would look like miniaturised.

–选这篇文章的原因是中心思想，很多同学在头脑风暴主文书的时候，都容易落入误区：“一定要找世俗意义上成功的活动”，但其实这些活动未必最能体现你个人特色和思想，要学会打破常规，擅于发现，从身边任何微小细节找出突破口，这篇“从琐碎的事情中找意义”就是很好的代表。

During the summer of 2020, with a piece of packaging MDF board in hand, that place happened to be my own home. Although a scale model of a house I’d just moved into seemed frivolous and unnecessary, I sat down with paint, board, and more time than I’d ever had over the next 3 months to work on something I felt genuinely motivated to complete.

–制造木板房模型虽小，但从“seemed frivolous and unnecessary, but I felt genuinely motivated to complete”能感觉出同学对一件可能别人都不重视的小事异常的热情和执着。（再次能看出来，不用是世俗的有意义，只要对你意义非凡就好）

With nothing else to work on, I measured, constructed, and assembled the house—piece by piece, floor by floor. When I was done, I still had no use for my creation, and friends and family were confused as to why I’d worked so hard on it. “This looks great, but did you do this for a school project?” they’d ask.

–可以多一些细节描写，让不了解这个领域的读者更有代入感/显得更加真实。

Although it seemed trivial, I made more miniatures—of our dining room, my street, my bicycle, and even my dustbin.

-并不是个普通的木板房模型，而是融入同学很多自己的想法，再次侧面强调了同学对这个project的热情，以及creativity和发散思维。

Each project came with its own challenges. I wanted to make functioning gears on a tiny cardboard bicycle, but how? I’d make frustrating mistakes, but I found my way, crocheting bicycle chains that created enough friction to pull cardboard gears. With every project I completed, I had to learn how to work with a new material or adhesive—sometimes, pieces fell apart or paint would flake off.

–project创新的时候遇到的小困难

The issues were what made projects fun;

-展示了面对困难的态度，觉得问题是有趣的

there were simple joys in solving these miniaturised problems, and I took special pride in subverting expectations of fragility by making pieces as sturdy and durable as I could. Although it was sometimes tempting to forfeit projects that went on for months, my inexplicable fascination with making models continued even as I became much busier than I had been back in 2020.

-很真实，中途遇到过困难，也想过放弃，但是无法解释的强烈兴趣使他坚持了下来。可以在文书中适当加一些自己消沉，“摆烂”的负面小情绪，让文章读起来更像个鲜活高中生的心路历程。

As I wonder why miniature making has become such an integral part of my routine, I’ve begun to notice just how much I’ve gained from it.

-从制作projects的动机+过程，转折到反思和收获。

In scaling down each scene, there’s been an unanticipated amount of calculation and problem solving. In working through misplaced structural walls or disproportionate elements, there’s solutions to be weighed and decisions to be made about when it’s time to start over.

Even my smallest project, the miniature dustbin, was made out of curiosity and a desire to recreate the pedal mechanism. Miniature making has given me a greater attention to detail, as I try to look for details that make a subject appealing:

I learnt much more about my new home in an attempt to recreate it. As I walk along a busy street, I can’t help but notice that wire fence bears a striking resemblance to a loose knit, or that a fallen twig would make the perfect mini tree.

–每项收获和反思都不是空口无凭，都有对应生动的例子去证明

Strangely enough, searching for solutions in these creative places floods back when I work on research and programming for my computational biology internships, observing patterns and breaking down problems into miniature tasks.

–把自己的故事和未来的学术方向做结合

Most importantly, in painting individual bricks and sculpting rice-grain sized statues, I’ve realised what I’m capable of accomplishing out of determination. Each project I begin has no foreseeable end date, and intricate detail can become just as excruciating when things don’t seem to work out.

–提到了解决问题的strategies和面对挑战的resilience, 这两点恰恰是生物科研想要看到的。

When I gift a miniature to family or friends, it’s the patience and resilience involved that expresses how much I care.

My dioramas may be collecting dust on a shelf now, but each ‘trivial’ project is still the result of working hours—a testimony to patience, effort and everything else it has helped me achieve along the way.

–最后并没有进行一个非常突兀的升华，而是用平淡的小事讲出最真实的收获，显得文章很有连贯性并且很真诚。

My Spotify Playlist

Special memories from the past seventeen years of my life can be captured by my 38 thoughtfully curated Spotify playlists.

–又是从新颖的角度出发，很多同学会选择写支教，比赛失利，又多少人会从天天陪伴我们却又常被忽视的Spotify歌单中思考自己的与众不同之处呢？

Each has a unique name, from “studying with ghosts” to “liminal spaces”.

–非常能体现creativity和diversity

I hold three in particular closest to my heart, each representing a time when I used music to connect and bring people together. I see music as a powerful influencer — it uplifts, heals, and unites.

-读者可能好奇音乐歌单这种小事为什么值得被写进文书，这里同学阐述了音乐对自己与众不同的意义

“Court’s in session,” an invigorating playlist that marked my first year on the varsity tennis team. The road to CIF Finals was hard-fought that year. I remember the despair I felt when the team lost two consecutive matches, and our coach pointed out our disconnect from each other on the court.

–无论什么文书选题，都会提到一些遇到的小困难，通过描写心态和解决困难的方法可以很好的体现性格和未来的处事态度

Listening to my Spotify on the way home, I knew I had to come up with a way to unify my teammates. Thus, I pitched an idea for a collaborative, high-energy playlist to be blasted whenever morale was low. The playlist took form quickly and evolved into Tiktok dances on my lead with the participation of the whole team.

Being in sync outside of the court made our team more cohesive, which became especially apparent during double’s play. This newfound sense of unity and energy would carry us as we went on to compete. Slowly, we took back the games one by one.

-很经典的：解决困难的方案起到了什么作用，最终得到了什么结果。

“Hollaback Girl” by Gwen Stefani became the anthem and lifeblood of our team, spurring us to the CIF Championship title that year.

–在长段中插入通俗易懂的转折段可以起到很好的refresh作用

“Westridge 2023 bops,” a diverse playlist I created to keep my classmates connected during the pandemic. By the time I was elected as sophomore vice president,

--浅秀了一下自己的leadership,但并不刻意

I had not seen my classmates in person for months and realized with a sinking feeling it was unknown when we could reunite. Wanting to lessen this sense of isolation they often mentioned,

-pandemic时期每个人都会觉得孤独，但她作为leader没有沉浸在负面情绪，而是积极的思考如何cheer students up，展现了她作为领导者的caring和responsibility

I started a new Spotify playlist: “Westridge 2023 bops.”

-通过创建一个Spotify播放列表，体现了同学主动发起活动的能力，把spotify从自己听逐渐发展到积极影响他人。

Everyone contributed to it with songs ranging from “Fergalicious” by Fergie to “More Than a Woman” by the Bee Gees. Loneliness dissipated as we exchanged music recommendations, fangirled over different artists, and listened to the playlist during class meetings.

Realizing I was able to unpause the silence and reunite my class, I dug deeper for ideas; next came a grade-specific Instagram, which included pictures of our classmates’ Halloween costumes, virtual art contests, and notes of gratitude for our teachers. I felt my own sense of belonging return as our community strengthened once more.

–巧妙地利用音乐打破了孤独感，拉近了同学之间的距离

The spirited melody of “Everybody Talks” by Neon Trees, our established class song, brought my classmates back together and revived our camaraderie.

-又是像上篇一样，在长段中插入通俗易懂的转折段，增加了文章阅读趣味性

“Stemology jams,” a kid-friendly playlist enhancing our STEM classes. When I co-founded Stemology, an elementary-aged educational nonprofit, I never thought the most difficult component of the process would be earning the trust of the kids.

-这里的转折展现了同学在教育项目中面临的挑战，第三个Spotify play list related incident.

As their concentration waned and chatter increased during our first class, I realized I had to pivot from the original lesson plan. In a desperate attempt to keep their attention, I quickly blasted Disney’s “Under the Sea” to match our presentation on marine biology.

-这种急中生智的做法不仅展示了同学的创造力，也反映出她对学生需求的敏锐洞察力

It worked! Their attention snapped back, and a meaningful conversation about sea anemones ensued. The next class, they shouted with excitement as we played “Fireflies” by Owl City for our lesson on bioluminescence and interjected with their own song suggestions. Before long, the students greeted me with hugs and enthusiasm when I walked into the classroom, eager to guess the day’s lesson plan from the song I presented.

-通过描写学生的反应，展现了同学如何成功地与他们建立起亲密的关系，这种积极的师生互动反映了她在教学中的成功

The inspirational lyrics of “Counting Stars” by OneRepublic during an astronomy lesson bridged the age gap, as my students and I swapped stories inspired by the constellations we created.

These existing Spotify playlists were my tools to bring together communities, and the memories made with people I have shared my playlists with have shaped who I am.

–总结段依旧不需要一个非常深刻的升华，因为通篇都在写音乐，这里只是总结了音乐在同学生活中的重要作用，这三个incidents对她的成长起到了什么帮助。

I’m looking forward to new adventures and starting my 39th Spotify playlist with “Don’t Stop Me Now” by Queen.

-非常casual但却扣题的结尾，还是要打破老生常谈的升华式结尾，真诚有趣且扣题即可。

Life Learning

The white yarn slipped off my aluminium crochet hook, adding a single crochet to rows and rows of existing stitches, that looked to be in the form of a blob. Staring at the image of the little unicorn amigurumi lit up on the screen of my laptop, and looking back at the UMO (unidentified messy object) number five, I was extremely perplexed.

-这里的描述很有美式幽默感，很好地表达了同学的困惑和挫败感，增加了可读性

This had seemed so easy. Round 1, construct a magic circle with 6 single crochets. Done. Round 2 was an increase round resulting in a total of 12 stitches. Also done. The remaining rounds were blurred into hours and minutes that should have resulted in a little white creature in the likeness of a unicorn, but sitting on my desk (much like the four days before today) was a pool of tangled white yarn.

-这里描写的细节非常多，增加了文章真实性同时，也成功传达了过程中逐渐加深的困惑与挫败感，突显出一种对比效果

It was not until day seven that a creature with a lopsided head whose horn was the only identifier of the mythical being emerged.

Very much like learning how to crochet, my journey in forging my own path and finding a passion was confusing, messy and at times infuriating.

-这句将编织与人生旅程的类比做得很好！！过渡自然，使文章主题更加突出

Even in primary school, I had heard all the stories of individuals finding their own route in life.

-flashback

I had been told stories of those who found their passion at a young age and were exceptionally proficient at their craft, of those that abandoned their interests and pursued a lucrative career, even those who chose their dreams but regretted it afterwards. This weighed heavily on me, as I was determined to have a success story as many of my other family members had. The only problem was that I did not have a direction.

-通过简单的一句“没有方向”揭示出问题的核心，产生共鸣

In the years following primary school, I stepped out of my comfort zone in a frenzy to find a passion. I joined the school orchestra where I played the violin, and a debate class to practice public speaking and become much more eloquent.

At my ballet school, I branched out to contemporary and jazz dance. I stuffed myself with experience similar to an amigurumi engorged with batting. I found myself enjoying all of those activities but soon enough, I was swamped with extracurriculars.

-享受”和“压倒”形成了对比，但如果能更深入地描述如何在这些活动中挣扎或反思，会更具深度

Just like the tangles of white yarn on my desk, I was pulled in all directions. I still felt lost.

–这里是个很巧妙地前后呼应，再次提及“白色纱线”来呼应开头的编织比喻

To make things worse, it seemed as if everyone else had found their path in life, and they had all become white unicorns while I was still doubting the stitch I just made.

It was not until high school that I realised that I could view this mission to find a passion from another perspective.

–这段过度转折非常自然，为后文的“觉醒”做了铺垫，而且从前段“primary school” 到这里的“high school” 是逻辑非常清晰的时间顺序

While successfully completing a crochet project is an accomplishment itself, the motions of making slip knots, single or double crochets takes you on an adventure as well.

-将学习过程比喻成冒险，增强了读者的代入感

The knots that I had encountered in my craft were evidence of my experiences and what shaped me as an individual.

–再次引入编织话题，通过提到编织中遇到的“结”，很巧妙地引出人生中的挑战与成长

My exploration of various paths through detours may have sometimes resulted in roadblocks, but I continued to persevere and learn from my experiences, applying the skills that I have gained to future knots. The mini adventures that I went on were all crucial to me in the greater journey of life.

Through trial and error, the current adventure that I am on resonates the most with me, taking me down the path of service and environmental activism.

–结尾部分的转向较为自然，通过引出同学现在的兴趣与关注点，有效的点题

However, I have learnt that no one path is static, and I can be on more than one path at a time. While I may only be halfway to the proportionate unicorn amigurumi that some others may have already achieved, I still have so much to learn and so much that I want to learn, and so my journey to grow continues.

–最后过渡到同学成长的持续性，但用词和描述并不严肃，并且再次通过编织收尾呼应的点了题，用“独角兽钩织玩偶”这个生动的比喻，展现了自己想表达的人生态度。

美国本科申请文书不仅是一份独特的申请材料，更是申请者向招生官展示自己独特视角和价值观的途径。每个人都有独特的人生经历，正是这些经历塑造了今日的我们。希望大家也能找准角度，让招生官看到一个立体，诚恳的个体！